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Y THE FOUNDATION FOR COMMUNITY ENCOURAGEMENT, INC. November 1, 1996 Dear Friend of FCE: A 40-year-old woman came to her first Community Building Workshop (CBW). She had had many problems and had enrolled in, or organized, several different groups in the past. She was a difficult person to accommodate in the workshop. She demanded a large share of attention from participants and used different manipulative methods to get it. People began to resent her over-use of "air-time" and said so, sometimes strongly. Others tried to listen with sympathy. Atone stage, she had left the workshop, only to return, just as unexpectedly, the following day. During her absence, she became even more the center of attention. Participants regretted at having failed to be big enough to support her needs. She became the group's task which eventually brought the group into community while she was gone. When she returned, the participants were ready to respond to her as a group. Was advice given? Was she scolded for childish behavior or were there attempts to persuade her that her stories were just fantasies? Some must have, especially outside the circle. Others did lose patience with her within the circle. The result of this was to stimulate even more bizarre behavior and stories. What seemed to make a difference, however, was listening with full attention and trying to hear her stories as she felt them, thus letting her know that she was being taken seriously. This required setting aside logical, even reasonable, judgments about her. Was it easy for participants to respond this way? No! There was no warm feeling of satisfaction about their attitudes towards her. Rather, they shared uneasy guilt at not having been tolerant enough, or of being irritated, at having to devote so much attention to one participant. People did seem to know, though, that "to be there for her" (and for everyone else) was the right thing to do. About 6 weeks after the CBW, she discovered that she had advanced cancer. This was a shock to her and was cause for unease among those who felt that, maybe, they hadn't taken her seriously enough at the CBW. Some visited her when she was hospitalized, others had hoped to.... 103 Dnr+nuav ROADS Surna S, Rmrra'iet,~, Cov~~x:rmicrm 06877 0 203/431-9484 0 Fnx 203/431-9749